鬼域

Have you ever had the feeling
That the world's gone and left you behind
Have you ever had the feeling
That you're that close to loosing your mind


每到半夜某個詭異時分，腦海裏總會浮現這兩句歌詞；我知道這是慣性自溺，不斷在同覆且根本無必要陷入的情緒渦漩裏打轉地庸人自擾，但就是情不自禁掉入，捲進挾雜影片和個人紛擾思緒結合體下的混沌。身心俱疲時最好折磨自己的方式，就是陷入這種似真似虛構又主體思緒清晰無比時刻。

人們會說這樣的人，要不就是精神空虛地令他須要某種借助外力沉溺的逃避；要不就是他根本就想毀滅自我。
請在意清醒這種老梗或是有無意義存在的鳥事呢？這不該是仍靜座在自由廣場上青年才有可能會稍稍迷失時候嗎？或者是，我寫錯意思了？畢竟連續工作了十個鐘頭，要我好好構思及檢視現端此刻敲下的文字，是有困難的。因為我服用了幫肋入睡的鎮靜藥物；一旦超過藥物巔鋒期的使用藥效，整個人反會陷入＂亟端不自然地清醒／亢奮／瘋狂＂時期。嚇到了嗎？文字總是較有想像力，無法入睡或擔心睡不著的人，是無法體會鎮靜藥物帶給他／她們的安全感。


這樣的藥物，該要怎麼合理包裝使用它的意義呢？厭世又熱愛生命的矛盾，是現時此刻時期的我，無法論證且條理脈絡分明一一描述清楚的。但誰在意呢？吞下藥丸的時刻，如同闔上世界的開關。每一天，我將醒來一次又再一次死亡。這樣隱私的獨白，是真無法對外人訴的不堪。

Ella Fitzgerald, Amsterdam 1957 - Angel Eyes

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 Sting 〈Angel Eyes〉

 Have you ever had the feeling
That the world's gone and left you behind
Have you ever had the feeling
That you're that close to loosing your mind
You look around each corner
Hoping that she's there
You try to play it cool perhaps
Pretend that you don't care
But it doesn't do a bit of good
You got to seek 'til you find
Or you never unwind
Try to think
That loves not around
Still it's uncomfortably near
My old heart
Ain't gainin' no ground
Because my angel eyes ain't here

Angel eyes
That old devil sent
They glow unbearebly bright
Need I say
That my love's misspent
Misspent with angel eyes tonight

So drink up all you people
Order anything you see
Have fun you happy people
You drink and the laugh's on me

Pardon me
But I "gotta run"
The fact's uncommonly clear
Gotta find
Who's now "Number One"
And why my angel eyes ain't here
Tell me why my angel eyes ain't here
Excusez-moi my angel eyes ain't here
Excuse me while I disappear