鬼域

我不知道還能這樣使用文字或依靠文字治療多久？就上次寫文與這次之間的距離，假使以最近與朋友見面最後一次談話內容訊息得知，在沒有與他見面的時間長度，或許是二年又八個月的長度。這二年八個月裏，我無法也無力和任何熱情／熱忱再舖寫能夠敘述及抓住生活感受的吉光片羽。淪成一種制式／習慣／陋習／麻木加自願放逐沈淪的心態裏過活著。無法成為自己想成為的某種人，或許下意識的逃避反抵抗力就是讓自己的生活／生命變得比小說人物還小說的日子。並沒什麼誇張、熱情亦或精采情節足以訴說，所得祇是抽身成為第三者的方式在操作自己生活情節的安排。這算是寫不出作品的補償自我方式嗎？或許吧。但下一個章節的變化，主軸又會是在哪裏呢？



小說人物的編排及變化因源，總較好安排些，但如果寫者要把自己生活搞得像小說人物般的轉折，這是什麼心態？戲劇性人格的展露嗎？還是明知無法有好作品產自筆下，祇好以身試煉地經走一回？在年紀和體力及現實經濟的考量下，反撲或是堅不進入社會體制／階層的抗拒，到底是自身個性使然還是為自己所相信的事情而信仰才堅持？為什麼總挑曲折的路途行走，卻不屑於便捷的管道？不是宿命論者，那麼是個性掌握命運的走向－－是這樣嗎？很多年輕時候早以找尋及悟到的問題和答案，每隔一段時間的人事變化，都總要再淘鍊個一回。要不是身陷自身所設囹圄裏，矛盾猶豫個半死；要不就是為清卻難得通個透光的決定，巔跛前進。這種自討苦吃的天性，幾乎要注定現在到未來的生活，我仍是一個有著很多疑問和待解矛盾雜題的人生。



還能在這樣飄泊思緒裏搖晃多久？



Janis Joplin - Kosmic Blues



Kozmic Blues
Janis Joplin, Gabriel Mekler
Time keeps movin' on
Friends they turn away
I keep movin' on
But I never found out why
I keep pushing so hard the dream
I keep tryin' to make it right
Through another lonely day, Whoaa.

Dawn has come at last
Twenty-five years, honey just in one night, oh yeah.
Well, I'm twenty-five years older now
So I know we can't be right
And I'm no better baby
And I can't help you no more
Than I did when just a girl.

Aww, But it don't make no difference babe - no, no
And I know that I could always try.
It don't make no difference babe, Yeah
I better hold it now
I better need it, Yeah
I better use it till the day I die - whoa I

Don't expect any answers dear,
For I know that they don't come with age - no, no.
Well ain't never gonna love you any better babe.
And I'm never gonna love you right
So you'd better take it now - Right now.

Oh! But it don't make no difference babe, Hey-yeah
And I know that I could always try.
Well-there's a fire inside of everyone of us
You'd better need it now
I get to hold it, yeah
I better use it till the day I die.

Don't make no difference babe - no, no, no
And it never ever will, hey
I wanna talk about a little bit of loving ya
I get to hold it babe
I'm gonna need it now
I'm gonna use it - Say aaaah

Don't make no difference babe, yeah
Ah hon I hate to be the one.
I said you're gonna live your life
And you're gonna love your life
Or babe, someday you're gonna have to cry.
Yes indeed - Yes indeed - Yes indeed
Ah baby, yes indeed.

I said you - you're always gonna hurt me
I said you're always gonna let me down
I said everywhere - Every day - Every day
And every way - Every way.
Ah honey won't you hold on to what's gonna move.
I said it's gonna disappear when you turn your back. I said you know it ain't gonna be there

When you wanna reach out and grab on.

Whoa babe,
Whoa babe,
Whoa babe,
Oh but keep truckin' on.
Whoa yeah,
Whoa yeah,
Whoa yeah,
Whoa,
Whoa,
Whoa,
Whoa,
Whoa...